Make Up Or Break Up

 Breaking Up Is So Hard To Do

Sang Neil Sedaka in one of his hit songs.

Yes, folk have sung about it; written and talked about it - the heartbreak of splitting up, moving out, ending a relationship, beginning again - how hard it is starting a new life on your own, being a single parent; coming to terms with losing a love you thought you would have for ever; saying goodbye to people and places that held (even still do) a special place in your heart. All heart wrenching stuff that can bring a tear to the eye.

And if a song can do this to us, is it any wonder that the hard knock of the real life experience of breaking up, facing divorce, is capable of bringing you to your knees.

There’s a tendency for couples in a rocky marriage to believe that the relationship has deteriorated to such a level that divorce is the only answer; that this final step that severs all legal ties will stop all the arguments; eliminate every bit of tension, stress and anxiety that has accumulated over time; give them freedom to pursue other relationships; forge a new life, etc. etc. etc.

Sadly, the reality of the situation usually turns out to be so very different. And a vast amount of divorced couples learn this to their cost, actually regretting taking that final step of breaking up the marriage. Alas, it hasn’t resolved all the issues. In fact, it has created a good many new ones: Loneliness, diminished income, children being shunted between two homes and separated parents; past arguments are substituted with new ones; children’s resentment of a new partner. The heartbreaking list goes on.

Looking back, many divorced couples regret leaving their marriage and, with hindsight, realise that they were too hasty.

So, what is the primary factor that makes divorced couples perceive their marriage and ex partner differently?

When in the midst of the emotional turmoil of a disintegrating marriage, human nature tends to seek out, and invariably find, reasons that caused it, people and situations that have contributed to it (either real or perceived.) People do, in fact, subconsciously make a point of looking for information that justifies their actions, confirming that we’re right, and disbelieve or eliminate evidence to the contrary.

Then we start to blame!

Once in the ‘blame’ syndrome, you enter an ever-decreasing spiral; concentrating on what went wrong; your partner’s shortcomings; what he should or should not have done.

In this frame of mind, many couples embark on counselling sessions to ‘talk’ about it in an attempt to resolve issues and make up. And the result of ‘talking?’ Beliefs are more deeply confirmed, because words will seldom convince anyone to think differently. Remember, people subconsciously disbelieve or eliminate evidence that doesn’t support their beliefs.

After a couple has divorced, and time and an emotional distance has been put between them, they then remember their partner’s good points - the ones that had previously been pushed aside. It’s a sad fact of life that, when together, we generally focus on what we perceive as our partner’s failings. Looking back we are able to see their good points.

So, how do you stop your break up and start to make up?

Right now, quit blaming. Eliminate the talking and take action. Stop looking back with the intention of making your husband responsible for the break up and with the idea of blaming him for causing the problems. Start looking forward to what action you can take in order to improve your marriage and restore the ‘feel good’ factor. Those feelings are in there still, right inside of your mind, heart and soul. You can re-create them by focusing on them and identifying what happened to create them. Then just carry right on doing it.

This might sound as if I’m contradicting myself; that I’m now asking you to focus on the past, and what happened. Actually, what I’m really encouraging you to do is to look at the past from a different angle; stop using it as a basis for your break up and to assign blame. It’s important that you identify what you need to do differently in order not to keep making the same mistakes. Remember, it’s ok to make a mistake; it’s just dumb to make it again.

So, don’t use past experience as a framework for your break up.; use it as a springboard into a happy future by focusing on the action you need to take to resolve issues.

Sound simple? It often is. So, stop your break up. Start to make up, right now. Look ahead and check out what you need to do to get your marriage right back on line - and do it!